Kate’s Answer: Boys, who often have a greater concern about whether they will appear weak or less able than their peers, may be less willing to attempt something new for fear of failure and ridicule. Being shamed is often the single most troubling fear for boys and most will avoid even the slightest chance of failure to avoid this sense of shame because it is so overwhelming for them. To a male, shame says not only what you did is wrong or unacceptable, but you yourself are flawed and unacceptable. It is often humiliating for a boy to experience shame and many do not have the ego strength to sustain it. The key for parents is to be available to talk with our boys when they have experienced failure and to assess if they are feeling shame. If this is the case, we have the opportunity to take time and reassure the boy or young man that everyone makes mistakes and that a mistake is not a character flaw.
The key here is to have a relationship with your son so that you are in tune with his moods and you can accurately assess his feelings. You will probably have to look for signs that will come out sideways – anger that is expressed in an inappropriate way, not wanting to have supper with the family, choosing new friends who are not good influences for him. Rather than getting angry at him, ask him if something happened at school today.
Don’t expect an answer to your question directly. It may take your son until the end of the day to talk about what is bothering him. And he may just wander into your presence and see if you are open to talking. Be aware – he probably won’t ask you. He’ll just nose around and see what kind of response he gets from you. So make yourself available, if at all possible, whenever you see him and you suspect he may want or need to talk. Put down what you’re doing, or sit down, and just wait.
An excellent resource is Real Boys by William Pollack and Kathleen Cushman, Villard Books, 2001.
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