How do we help kids have more confidence in themselves so that they don't feel they have to bully or put down their peers at school to feel good about themselves?

Kate: Helping a young person gain a sense of confidence begins at home when they feel valued and important to the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally – their family members.  When a young person believes they are cherished and respected at home, they will take this sense of worthiness into their relationships outside the family.  Knowing they are loved for who they are will help them begin the process of differentiation, which is both a separation of their own thoughts and feelings and a separation from the thoughts and feelings of others.  This process is one we work on throughout our entire lives, and when it successfully begins in childhood, we have a much greater chance of fulfilling our life’s mission in adulthood. We will have less work to do in adulthood to figure out what we missed in childhood.

The bully chooses a child they believe will not stick up for themselves, one who will not adequately tell anyone of their mistreatment and one who will tolerate the bully’s advances, even if in pain.  The key here is to help the child feel valued and special at home.  The bully will not select a victim who is self-confident.  It’s too risky.  Rather, they select a peer whom they know believes they are lower on the social scale and who has less resiliency than the bully has.  

In order for a child to gain confidence, this will occur primarily through spending time with people who care about them and love them deeply for who they are.  If we want to equip our children to resist bullies, we must spend time with them, both quantity and quality, and express to them, through our expenditure of time and attention, how important they are to us.  This is the greatest inoculation against bullies!

Check out this excellent book: Stick Up For Yourself: Every Kid’s Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-Esteem by Kaufman and Raphael, Free Spirit Press, 1990.

Editor’s Note: I also have an audio class called, “Mean Girls (and Boys): Here’s What a Parents Can Do” that you can listen to immediately upon purchase that’s available here: http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/MeanGirlsAudio.htm