Get Parenting Help Now Blog

Special Offer to "Real Parents. Real Solutions." Listeners!

Ihope you enjoyed the show today!I'd love your feedback.

There are two special offers I have for you as listeners to my show.

1) The "Find More Joy" 60-minute audio class available at www.getparentinghelpnow.com You can purchase this class for just $9.97 by entering the promotional code: realparents during checkout.

2) You can purchase my "On Overload: 28 Solutions to Help Moms Achieve Work Family Balance" for just $9.97 by entering the promotional code: realparents during checkout. It's available here: http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/Pages/Shop.html

You can also print copies, free of charge, of my problem-solving method, BEAR here:

http://www.getparentinghelpnow.com/pdf/ProblemSolvingFormBEAR.pdf

Also, here's an assessment you can take to see if you're too child-centered:

Are You Too Child-Centered?

Thirty or 40 years ago parenting in an authoritative manner i.e. “Do it because I said so and I’m the parent” was the cultural norm. “Children should be seen and not heard” was a mantra that many of our parents used. We weren’t asked about what we wanted for dinner, we weren’t offered choices, we didn’t negotiate with our parents. Our parents would simply “lay down the law.”

But cultural norms for parenting have changed. Many of us have become more “child-centered” in our parenting, but some of us have become too “laissez faire” and our children “rule the roost.”  I’d like to offer an assessment for you to take. See how you fair when it comes to being “child centered.”

1.      How often does your child interrupt you while you are on the telephone?
a.  Most of the time
b.  Some of the time
c.  Never/Rarely

2.      Add up the number of times that you’ve met with a friend this past week and compare that to the number of times that your child had a “play date” this past week. Is the number of times that you met with a friend:
a.  Equal to your child’s number of play dates
b.  More than your child’s number of play dates
c.  Less than your child’s number of play dates

3.      Add up the number of times that you took your child to an activity outside of school the last week (unless it was a holiday) and compare it to the number of activities that you participated in for fun? Is the number of “enrichment” activities that you participated in:
a.  Less than your child’s
b.  Equal to your child’s
c.  More than your child’s

4.      In a given week, how many hours did you spend enjoying a hobby or special interest of your own?
a.  1-2 hours
b.  3 hours or more
c.  30 minutes or less

5.      During the last week, how many days did you exercise for 30 minutes or more?
a.  5-7 days this week
b.  0-1 days
c.  2-4 days

6.      How many meals did you make this week that were NOT altered to meet the food jags/preferences of your child?
a.  0-1 meal were NOT altered
b.  2-4 meals were NOT altered
c.  5 or more meals were NOT altered

7.      Not counting telephone conversations, how many times a day would you say that your child(ren) interrupts adult conversation?
a.  2-4 times
b.  0-1 times
c.  5-7 times

8.      On average, how many times a week do you “splurge” or buy your child something that was not on your list before you entered a store?
a.  Never/Rarely
b.  Sometimes
c.  Most of the time

9.      How many times this past week did you and your spouse (or a significant other) spend alone on a date?
a.  1 time
b.  2 times
c.  0 times

10.  On an average day, how much time do you spend without your children present, having adult conversation with your spouse or a significant other, on issues other than parenting?
a.  0-10 minutes
b.  15- 30 minutes
c.  More than 30 minutes

Scoring Grid: Circle the answer you chose for each question and add up your point total.

1.      a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

2.      a. 5 points b. 10 points. c. 0 points

3.      a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

4.      a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

5.      a. 10 points b. 0 points c. 5 points

6.      a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

7.      a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

8.      a. 10 points b. 5 points c. 0 points

9.      a. 5 points b. 10 points c. 0 points

10.  a. 0 points b. 5 points c. 10 points

Point Total: ______


0-30 Points: Your parenting is too child-centered. You are neglecting your own needs and interests and your child(ren) are taking center stage. You may be “overindulging” them with attention, gifts or activities, which can cause them harm in the long run. Your life probably feels out of balance and you may feel drained. Your children may feel a sense of entitlement that’s not healthy. Boundaries that protect your health and emotional well being are too loose. Setting firm boundaries about time for yourself, your hobbies, your friends and significant other will demonstrate to your child that you are important, too, and that taking care of yourself is not selfish, it’s the right thing to do. Pick one area where your boundaries are low or your self-care is lacking and start with just one goal for improvement. Problem-solve about how to meet your goal and come to the free class in January on “Improving Balance in Your Life” to get the jump start you need! (Click here to register._________________________)


35-65 Points: You’re doing some things right. You may be good at setting boundaries that communicate that adult time and conversations are honored and respected. Or maybe you’re doing a few things for yourself, but your child’s activities, interests, tastes and friendships are still too dominant in your family life. You may feel good about your parenting, but you’re likely not feeling fulfilled in other areas of your life that bring passion, fun, intellectual growth, health and creativity to your life. You are inadvertently role modeling that your needs are not as important as your child’s. Firming up your own boundaries and pursuing interests of your own will make you a happier person and demonstrate a healthy lifestyle to your child. Come to the free class, “Improving Balance in Your Life” on Jan. 11 and make a commitment to make changes in your life that will help you feel happier. (Click here to register.____________________)


70-100 Points: You’re conscience of the fact that your cup needs to be full before you can give freely. You take time for yourself and probably set boundaries that let your child know that there’s a healthy division between adult and child that’s important to honor. You demonstrate to your child that his/her needs are important but your needs are equally important. You find joy in interacting with other adults and grow as a result of your encounters. Exercising, pursuing your interests, or partaking in your hobby helps you to feel less stress and more balance. Keep up the good work! If there are one or two areas of your life that you’d like to achieve better balance in, please join us for my free teleclass, Jan. 11 at 7 p.m. CT. (Click here to register___________________)

 

Produced by Toni Schutta, Parent Coach, M.A., L.P. Families First Coaching. Parenting resources are available at www.getparentinghelpnow.com and www.familiesfirstcoaching.com

Be sure to let me know any other topics you'd like to see on "Real Parents. Real Solutions."

"Real Parents. Real Solutions." Radio Show Launches July 29

I'm delighted to share with you that my new parenting show launches today on www.voiceamerica.com at Noon CT. Go to the Variety Channel to listen and if you can't make it, catch it in the archives there later.

I talked with Hara Estroff Marano, the author or "Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting" (Who is my first guest) recently and she's going to be a fabulous guest. Her work is so important and she has information we all need to know to help our kids grow up to be responsible, capable young adults.

Be sure to catch the show!

Parenting Help for Sibling Rivalry

When I surveyed parents about what parenting challenges they'd like me to address in my upcoming parenting talk show the number one topic was sibling rivalry.

There was never a doubt that I would try to interview Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, authors of the best book ever written in sibling rivalry.

The other day my wish came true and Adele Faber agreed to provide us with parenting help for reducing sibling hassles on the Aug. 5 "Real Parents. Real Solutions." show airing at Noon CT on www.voiceamerica.com.

I couldn't be happier!

In the meantime, I'd like to share a parent education tool that I provide parents in my on-line parenting class "Create a Discipline Plan that Works." (Which is available at www.getparentinghelpnow.com) It's a perfect tool to use when siblings are disagreeing.

I believe that it's critical to teach kids a problem-solving method and the acronym I use to teach parents (and kids) is B.E.A.R. The first step is to define what the problem is in neutral terms.

So, for instance, if two kids are arguing over a toy/computer/gadget, you can define the problem as a "sharing problem."

Then, you all brainstorm (The B) solutions on how to solve the "sharing" problem. Remember that all ideas are good ideas at this point.

Next, you evaluate (The E) the options and see what's the best choice.

Then, the kids take action (The A) on the choice they made.

Later, you review (The R) the solution and see how it worked. If it didn't work, just pick another option to try.

Problem-solving is a skill that all children should have. It works great with sibling problems because it teaches them a method for solving problems peacefully and shows them that there are multiple solutions to problems.

Be sure to tune in for many more great parenting tips for reducing sibling rivalry on Aug. 5 at Noon CT on www.voiceamerica.com during "Real Parents. Real Solutions."

Please share any strategies you have here for sibling hassles. I'd love to hear your ideas, too!

Parenting Classes- Are They Worth It?

One of the parenting books I've been reading lately is "Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting." (See my review below.)

It's given me pause in several areas.

One of the points that Hara Estroff Marano makes is that parenting classes may not be a good idea. Parenting classes imply that we need to be "educated" on how to parent rather than instinctively or intuitively knowing what to do, according to Estroff Marano.

I disagree with her on this point.

When my kids were young, I took ECFE classes and found the info on child development and the parenting tips we shared so helpful. The support for other parents was also invaluable. I still keep in touch with some of the parents I met there.

How about you? Have you gained support and parenting tips from parenting classes you've attended?

When I provide parenting classes at corporations, schools and other locations, parents tell me they feel a huge sense of relief when they leave with new ideas on how to move forward with a parenting challenge. Sometimes you're just feel stuck and need some fresh ideas to move forward. Parenting classes can provide strategies that you haven't tried before which may be enough to move you through the tough times.

To help parents, I've developed 17 different parenting classes that provide solutions to the most common parenting problems. (If you'd like me to speak to your organization, a listing of classes is available here: http://www.familiesfirstcoaching.com/Pages/Speakerpage.html )

Twelve of those classes are also available online 24/7 at www.getparentinghelpnow.com so you can get parenting tips whenever you need them most and you don't need to wait for a class.

But, I digress...Back to Hara's book. A point that struck home for me is that many of us are too protective of our kids. We're safety czars who give our kids too little freedom. Hara points out that the chances of a child getting abducted by a stranger are so low, yet we're most afraid of this. The real danger to kids, emotionally, comes from divorce. She says that kids who don't live with two biological parents face "40 to 100 times the chance of being injured or killed." Yet, only 2% of crimes against kids are kidnappings, of which 70% of those are by family and friends.

Giving my kids more freedom in the neighborhood and other places has been hard for me but I was moved by the logic of Hara's argument and weighed it against the benefits of self-confidence my kids will gain from some new-found independence.

I was so impressed with Hara's work that I've invited her to be my first guest on my new parenting talk show, "Real Parents. Real Solutions." that will debut on www.voiceamerica.com on Wed., July 29 at Noon CT. Just post a question you may have for Hara here and I'll add it to the show.

Here's the review that I promised earlier.

Review: “A Nation of Wimps: The High Cost of Invasive Parenting” by Hara Estroff Marano

                                                      

                                                      

With this gripping title, author Hara Estroff Marano builds a case that demonstrates that today’s parents are overparenting their children with harmful effects.

 

As “hothouse, intrusive parents,” Estroff Marano says that we are involved in every aspect of our child’s life, micromanaging their play experience, their school experience and their extracurricular activities. Although parents have good intentions, the author says that we are creating “fragile” children who fall apart when they enter college and the job world. By denying our children the opportunity to fail, to work through difficulties, to relax and to manage their own time, young adults collapse under the pressure of the real world with dramatic increases in anxiety, depressive disorders and self-destructive behaviors being reported on college campuses.

 

I’ve often wondered how we got into the cultural phenomenon of trying to raise “super kids” and this book does an excellent job of explaining how we got into this mess. I did find the book more “academic” so it is a slower read. While I disagree with some of her claims i.e. that kids used to raise themselves, I found the chapter on perfectionism particularly enlightening. I also agree wholeheartedly that most schools are failing to make learning engaging and are using “drill and kill” methods that  numb most children rather creating an interest in learning.

 

The one downfall is an eight-page chapter at the end of the book that summarizes what parents should do. I wish the suggestions on what to do had been integrated in each chapter as well. Toni

Parenting Tips for a Successful Summer

You're probably busy planning every detail so your kids can have a memorable summer packed with vacations, summer camps, sports activites and more.

 

As you finish yoru planning, be sure to allow time for three surprising activites that are research-proven to help your child's emotional, neurological and physical well-being.

 

Parenting Tip #1: Allow time each day for unstructured, child-directed play (or free time for adolescents).

 

Research is emerging that the hectic lifestyle that many parents have chosen for their children may be harmful to a child’s development.

 

Remember when you were growing up and you just went outside to play? It turns out that the fun you had using your imagination, playing tag and hanging out with other kids was actually causing nerve growth in the frontal cortex of your brain which controls the executive controls, along with numerous other positive neurological developments.

 

There are other benefits to play: it requires attention and sharpens the senses; it demands mental dexterity and flexibility; it thrives on possibility; it expands human variability; it expands our nervous system; it allows us to take risks and try on new roles; it teaches kids how to get along with others and control themselves; it encourages creative problem-solving; it fosters decision making, memory, thinking and speeds up mental processing; it reduces aggression; it develops brain cells that exert control over attention, regulate emotions and control behavior. (1)

 

In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics has called unstructured play and free time "essential to development and the United Nations High Commission for Human Rights has recognized play as a right of every child. (2)

  

Many children have limited access to play, however. With the increased marketing machine that urges parents to buy gadgets that will give kids an “edge,” to the increased academic pressures from No Child Left Behind, the professionalism of kids’ sports and over-the-top college admissions pressures, parents have succumb to the notion that their child has to be involved in multiple structured activities and has to excel at all of them.

 

Play and free time have decreased rapidly. The amount of free time in unstructured play and outdoor activities decreased from 40% of children’s time in 1981 to just 25% of a child’s day in 1997 (1) and I would guess in 2009, that number may be reduced to 15%. When children do have free time, their favorite activities are TV, computer use and video games, all sedentary pursuits that limit creativity.

 

So what’s a parent to do? Cut back on the number of organized activities your child is in and just let him/her have down time. Provide toys that are conducive to imaginative play. Limit the time your child is on electronic gadgets. Send them outside. Teach them old-fashioned games and let them hang out with the neighbor kids.

 

Your kids may need some ideas to get started. Three websites that provide a listing of fun outdoor games for kids are: http://grandparents.about.com/od/projectsactivities/tp/OutdoorGames.htm

http://www.indianchild.com/outdoorgames1.htmand http://familyfun.go.com/games/indoor-outdoor-games/

 

 Parenting Tip # 2: Let your child connect with nature.

 

A movement is sweeping the country with the claim that our children have “Nature-Deficit Disorder.”

 

Richard Louv, author of Last Child in the Wood, who first coined the term, describes it this way.  “Nature-deficit disorder is not an official diagnose but a way of viewing the problem, and describes the human costs of alienation from nature, among them: diminished use of the senses, attention difficulties, and higher rates of physical and emotional illnesses. The disorder can be detected in individuals, families, and communities.” (3)

 

Others are reminding us that “No Child Left Inside” should be the goal. “In a typical week, only 6 percent of children, ages nine to thirteen, play outside on their own.”  (3)

 

Yet the effects of connecting with nature are bountiful. “Children are smarter, more cooperative, happier and healthier when they have frequent and varied opportunities for free and unstructured play in the out-of-doors. Green plants and play yards reduce children’s stress. Free play in natural areas enhances children’s cognitive flexibility, problem-solving ability, creativity, self-esteem, and self-discipline. Students score higher on standardized tests when natural environments are integral to schools’ curricula. Effects of attention-deficit disorder are reduced when children have regular access to the out-of-doors.” (3)

 

The recommendation is for parents and grandparents to simply take children outdoors and share the joys of connecting with nature. Visiting a park, playing in the backyard or walking in the woods will have restorative powers for stressed out kids and adults.

 

Families who want to take a bigger step can organize a nature club. Here’s a link on how to get started: http://www.childrenandnature.org/downloads/NCFF_toolkit.pdf

 

Secret # 3: Just hang out as a family.

 

The number one factor in keeping children emotionally healthy, drug and alcohol free and out of trouble is the amount of time they spend with their families, according to Bill Doherty, head of the Family Social Science Department at the University of Minnesota (4).

 

Studies that show sharp declines in the number of conversations that children have with family members, the number of family dinners people share, and the lack of free time that families have for connecting. “A warm and limit-setting family is the most important element for kids and that requires a lot of time, time not spent running around.  Children need time to daydream, to chill out.  We’ve reversed it all,” said Doherty.

 

"A deep-seated connectedness to and caring about others that create the love, safety, and security that children need to thrive" is what children need most to survive in an ever-increasingly challenging world, according to an American Academy of Pediatrics report. (2)

Family activities such as talking, making meals, playing games, playing sports are some of the best interactions which occur when downtime is allowed, the report concluded. The tried and true method for helping children be successful is family time.

Doherty and co-creator Barbara Carlson have a web-site (and a movement) called www.puttingfamilyfirst.org  that provides parents with tools for putting the breaks on overscheduling and practical tips for reconnecting as a family.

In conclusion, children need a balance of activities to help them develop fully. Free time, family time and connecting with nature in combination with structured activities and academic pursuits will help your child build a strong foundation for success.

References:

 

1. Marano Estroff, hara. A Nation of Wimps, Broadway Books, New York: 2008: pp. 85-92.

2.      Ginsberg, Kenneth, M.D., The Importance of Play in Promoting Healthy Child Development and Maintaining Strong Parent-Child Bonds, American Academy of Pediatrics, 2007. 

3.      Charles, Cheryl, Louv, Richard et al, Children and Nature 2008: A Report on the Movement to Reconnect Children to the Natural World, http://www.childrenandnature.org/downloads/CNMovement.pdf

4.      Doherty, William, Ph. D.  Overscheduled Kids, Underconnected Families: The Research Evidence.  http://www.puttingfamilyfirst.org/research.php